


In Love and Death We Don't Decide

by thefangirlingdead



Series: It's Not Living (If It's Not With You) - Universe [4]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Dave and Ben are friends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Hatred, Telekinetic Klaus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 16:05:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18154040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirlingdead/pseuds/thefangirlingdead
Summary: Klaus thinks that he's a selfish person, but Dave would beg to differ. (AKA, Dave being the supportive, caring, loving boyfriend that Klaus deserves).





	In Love and Death We Don't Decide

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo, it appears that I can't stop writing for this series. Sorry not sorry! I definitely have a few more little pieces in mind for this, too, so keep an eye out. I just really love writing these two! 
> 
> This piece was definitely inspired by the song "Lost" by Dermot Kennedy. Seriously, do yourself a favor and go listen to it, it's so fucking good. Some lyrics and link are below. 
> 
> I really just wanted to write Klaus getting some of the love and comfort that he deserves, and it gave me an excuse to write some more from Dave's POV again. It's kind of hard writing for a character who literally has like two lines because they're a blank canvas, but it was also really refreshing. Hopefully I did it justice! 
> 
> Also, let me know if there's anything in particular you'd want to see from this universe! I can't guarantee anything, but if something strikes a chord, I'm definitely down to write some more little one-shots! 
> 
> _And if only you could see yourself in my eyes_  
>  _You'd see you shine, you shine_  
>  _I know you'd never leave me behind_  
>  _But I am lost this time_  
>  _What if the love you deserve is love you never find?_  
>  _I've learned in love and death, we don't decide_  
>  _And if only you could see yourself in my eyes_  
>  _You'd see you shine, you shine_  
>  \- ["Lost" by Dermot Kennedy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FB1dDpdi7uc)

Dave didn’t expect to fall in love with Klaus Hargreeves.

Sure, when he first laid eyes on the other man, he couldn’t deny that he was attracted to him. There was something alluring about his dark-lined eyes that Dave couldn’t wipe from his mind, even after he was immediately thrust into gunfire and war and death only minutes later. And the next day, when he first introduced himself to Klaus, that attraction hadn’t dulled at all. If anything, it was stronger.

Dave always knew that he was attracted to men, but he’d _never_ met a man quite like Klaus. There was this _ease_ in which he carried himself, as if he was completely comfortable in his skin that Dave always longed to feel within himself. Even though it was apparent that Klaus certainly _didn’t_ have his shit together - Dave caught him stealing morphine from the medic tent once or twice and often found him pulling a flask out of his pocket throughout the day - there was a sense of confidence about him that Dave always longed to feel in himself. His femininity, his humor, his crassness… they were all things that drew Dave to Klaus the more they got to know one another, but he never expected to fall in love with him.

So when it happens, it blindsides him, to say the least.

He should have seen it coming, if he’s being honest with himself. It’s not like it happened overnight, but he didn’t anticipate it. One moment, they’re kissing at the disco, and lust and longing quickly replace the intrigue that Dave felt for Klaus from the get go. Then, it feels like in the blink of an eye, he’s holding onto Klaus, lying on scratchy sheets in a shitty motel, and he never wants to let go. The feeling washes through him so fast that his makes his head spin, makes his fingers tremble and his body feel numb.

Then, _Klaus_ is saying those three little words to him, and _fuck,_ he’s full of surprises, isn’t he?

Dave never expected someone like Klaus to be interested in him, let alone love him back. So even now, it leaves Dave awestruck when Klaus murmurs the words during sex, when he wraps his arms around his middle when they’re training and utters them into his neck, muffled but still there, nonetheless.

Although their love for each other isn’t _new_ by any means, it’s still mind blowing to Dave that a man like Klaus would still want him, even now, after death.

The first time they sleep together after… _everything,_ Dave notices the dog tags right away. He doesn’t have to look to know that they’re not Klaus’, but his own that have made their home around the other man’s neck. Even now that they’re together again (or at least, as together as they _can_ be when one man is still alive and the other is dead) Klaus doesn’t take the dog tags off.

They don’t talk about it, but Dave can only assume that Klaus took them when he died, before he returned home to 2019. But he and Klaus don’t talk about that fateful day, because there’s no point in dwelling on the past, on what could have been and never will be.

That doesn’t stop _Dave_ from dwelling on it, though. During quiet moments, when Klaus is working with Ben, chatting with his siblings or sleeping, Dave lets his mind wander to the _what ifs_. What if he would have survived? Would Klaus have eventually told him the truth and offered to bring him to the future? Could they have made a life together back in the 70’s? Would Klaus want that? A modest life together back home, maybe some land and a dog?

He’s always quick to shake the thoughts from his head though, feeling ashamed and selfish whenever the idea crosses his mind. He couldn’t expect Klaus to change his entire life for him… for Klaus to _want_ to stay in the past when he had an entire life and family in the future.

In fact, sometimes, Dave feels as if he’s holding Klaus back, even now. He worries that he’s making him hold onto something that he should let go of, but he doesn’t dare voice those concerns, because selfishly, he wants to be here with Klaus as long as he’ll have him.

What Dave doesn’t consider (much like he never even entertained the fact that Klaus might love him back all those years ago) is that Klaus might feel the same way.

As all things do, it all comes to a head eventually, though, about four months after Klaus first manages to conjure him.

As Klaus and Vanya’s training progresses and the siblings slowly start becoming closer and more comfortable with each other (something that Dave can tell has _never_ happened before, which is a damn shame) they begin to formulate a plan to go _back_ to their timeline and change things - to save the world. But it’s hard, frustrating work. Dave can tell that much by the way that Klaus continues to struggle through some of his training despite his sobriety, and how Five almost continuously looks stressed out or worried about one thing or another. He becomes a bit harder, more intense, and in return, it makes it harder to Klaus to connect with him or see eye to eye when training or trying to get a hang of his new powers.

Although it’s apparent that Klaus and the rest of his siblings have certainly gotten closer since Dave first arrived, they begin to argue with each other more and more during family meetings as time ticks on. They can’t see eye to eye half of the time, which puts them _all_ on edge. Even Klaus and Vanya, who have gotten significantly closer over just the past few months, can only be in the same room with each other for a short amount of time before getting on one another’s nerves, which in turn, leads to Klaus shutting his siblings out, thus putting a pause on his training. Training that, up until now, had been going very well.

It turns out, Five was right when he mentioned telekinesis. Although it isn’t as strong as Klaus’ other powers yet by any means, he _has_ been able to move a few small objects here and there, and it’s more than he’s ever been able to do in the past. The first time he successfully does it, he practically screeches with excitement, running across the room to scoop up a disgruntled Five and spin him around quickly in celebration.

It’s slow going, but training _has_ been relatively successful. _But,_ with tensions high between the Hargreeves siblings, Klaus is quick to get frustrated and training falls by the wayside.

“They’re all their own worst enemy,” Ben says to Dave as they sit together in the kitchen one evening, after one particularly rough training exercise that had Klaus _and_ Vanya storming off and Five yelling obscenities at them down the hall. As of lately, Dave has found himself spending much more time with the late Hargreeves brother when Klaus needs to be alone to decompress. And like Dave, he’s had plenty of time to observe the others. Now if only he was corporeal long enough to talk some sense into them.

“I have a feeling that it has always been this way…” Dave infers, glancing in Ben’s direction.

 _“Always,”_ Ben confirms, shaking his head. He kicks his feet up on the table, leaning back in his chair. “Diego and Luther have always been at each other’s throats. Allison never thinks before she speaks, Five has always had this God complex and well… _you know Klaus.”_ He conveniently leaves Vanya (who, other than Ben, seems to be the voice of reason among the siblings) out, although Dave isn’t naive enough to think that she doesn’t have her own issues.

“I do,” Dave says with a knowing smile. It fades quickly, though, as he glances down the hallway in the direction of Klaus’ bedroom. “Speaking of which, should we -”

“I think the last thing Klaus wants to see right now is one of his siblings,” Ben replies, shooting Dave a small smile. “Sometimes he just needs his space… but something tells me he wouldn’t mind seeing you, either.”

He and Ben haven’t talked about it in-depth very much - his relationship with Klaus - but Dave _did_ divulge quite a bit of information about their time in Vietnam when Ben asked, since he wasn’t there. And well, of course, a _lot_ of that time was spent getting to know one another… falling in love. Dave doesn’t leave that out, when Ben asks, and he also doesn’t miss the little twitch on Ben’s lips when he talks about his love for Klaus.

“I’ll go see how he’s doing,” Dave says then, standing and stretching, as if his body could actually get tired or stiff.

Ben nods in response. “Let me know if you need me.”

Dave turns, but he only gets a few steps away before Ben is speaking again, calling out his name and causing him to turn on his heel. “And Dave? Thanks… for looking out for him.”

Dave can smell the cigarette smoke before he even reaches Klaus’ bedroom, so he’s unsurprised when he eventually spies Klaus sitting on his bed, knees pulled up to his chest, arm hanging out of his open window as he exhales a puff of smoke. Since conjuring Dave, Klaus has been determined not to touch a single drug or drop of alcohol, but in turn, he has taken to smoking to calm his nerves much more frequently. And, judging by the slight temperature drop as soon as he approaches the bedroom, Dave infers that he’s likely been chain smoking since he retired to his room nearly an hour ago.

Dave doesn’t enter the room yet, though. Instead, he stands just within the doorway, observing Klaus as he gazes out the window onto the dark city street. Shirtless, save for a deep red cardigan barely clinging to his shoulders, and clad in a pair of thin black joggers, hand steady as he takes another drag, Klaus looks completely unlike the man that he met back in 1968, yet somehow exactly the same. Since the first day they met, Dave would have given anything to know just what went on inside of Klaus’ head, and now is no different.

“I know you’re there.”

The sound of Klaus’ voice is enough to startle Dave and shake him from his thoughts. He straightens his posture, standing at attention out of habit, even though Klaus isn’t even looking at him, and he doesn’t speak, waiting, because he’s sure that the other man has more to say.

“I can feel your presence,” Klaus mutters after a beat of silence. He takes another drag, exhaling out the window. Under any other circumstances, Dave would find it comical that even now, a grown man would sit, perched underneath his bedroom window to smoke a cigarette, as if he were afraid of getting caught by his parents… but it’s with a sick sense of dread that he realizes that Klaus has likely been conditioned to behave this way. He imagines him as a child, smoking joints and cigarettes out the open window and praying that his father doesn’t walk in, and Dave quickly has to shake the image from his head.

So much of Klaus has been influenced by his childhood trauma, and this just scratches the surface. The thought makes Dave sick. He wants nothing more than to hold Klaus and give him the love that he should have received his entire life, but… well, that’s hard, when you’re a ghost.

“Can you always?” Dave asks instead, taking a few tentative steps into Klaus’ bedroom. He doesn’t move too fast, doesn’t take too much, knowing very well that today has already been exhausting for Klaus. The last thing he wants to do is stress him out more.

Finally, Klaus turns to look at him, and Dave can tell immediately from the redness of his eyes and the bags underneath him that he’s been crying.

“Just about,” he replies, voice soft. “It’s definitely stronger whenever you’re closer… and amplified after all this fuckin’ training.”

The way Klaus’ tone changes when he mentions training is like night and day. He sounds bitter. Angry. Frustrated.

Dave swallows, then asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Klaus laughs in response, and it’s this shitty, bitter thing. He stubs out his cigarette on the windowsill before flicking it down into the night, his eyes trained on the world outside as he mutters, “Don’t know what there is to talk about…”

And for a moment, time seems to stand still. Klaus doesn’t move or speak, so neither does Dave, unsure if he should give him his space, like Ben suggested, or stay.

When Klaus turns to grab another cigarette, he glances up at Dave, looking him up and down. “Well, you just gonna stand there, or do you wanna join me?” he asks, his voice taking on a lighter tone for a moment, his lips twisting up into a half-hearted smile.

Dave doesn’t have to be told twice and crosses Klaus’ room with ease, taking a seat next to him on his bed. Close, but not close enough to touch, even if he could.

“How’s Ben?” Klaus asks after he lights his cigarette and takes a long drag.

Dave offers him a small smile. “Good,” he answers. Then, honestly, he says, “Frustrated.”

Klaus glances at Dave, raising his eyebrows. “What does a ghost have to be frustrated about?”

 _Plenty of things,_ Dave wants to reply, but he knows that Klaus knows this. He’s seen it firsthand. It’s one of the reasons why he numbed his powers for so long.

“Well, his siblings, mostly,” Dave answers honestly, “And how they can’t seem to get along.”

Klaus laughs again, only this time, it’s a little lighter in the chest, a little less sarcastic. “Welcome to the club, Ben!” he calls out his open bedroom door. It isn’t loud by any means, but Dave is sure that he hears it. Ben is never far away, after all.

It’s quiet between them for a few moments, then. Klaus doesn’t speak, and Dave doesn’t force him to, and for a moment, he’s transported back to Vietnam, to quiet nights sharing a smoke with Klaus while he was on watch, or after Klaus would wake from a nightmare, or before they’d sneak off to go make out behind some tree like teenagers. Although war was absolute _hell,_ he cherished those quiet moments with Klaus, their hands finding each other in the dark, unafraid to lace their fingers together when nobody was watching. He longed for those stolen moments when they could decompress and just _be._ Him and Klaus, against the world. So much has changed since then, but there’s a lot that’s still the same.

Dave’s thoughts are interrupted again, though, by Klaus’ sigh before he asks, “Do you think we actually stand a fighting chance? Of you know… changing things?”

And _god,_ even now, Klaus is full of surprises. Dave never expected him to say anything, wasn’t anticipating him to breach the subject.

“I… I don’t know,” Dave answers honestly. It wouldn’t feel right to lie to Klaus, especially now. “But, I believe in _you._ And your siblings seem confident.”

Klaus huffs out a short laugh. “It’s all a facade,” he mutters, “They’re all just all too damn egotistical to admit that they’re scared shitless too.”

“Must run in the family…” Dave teases gently, a reference to Klaus’ overconfidence, both here and on the battlefield.

Klaus turns at that, shooting Dave a smile that quickly fades when takes another drag of his cigarette. “You know, part of me doesn’t even _want_ to go back...” he says after a few moments of silence, “It would be so easy to just stay here, where we’re safe. Start over…”

Dave hums in understanding. He doesn’t blame Klaus for feeling that way, and can’t even begin to imagine how he’s feeling right now. Dave knows what it feels like to die, but to watch the only _world_ you’ve ever known die right in front of you when there’s nothing you can do about it, only to be told that you have to return to it eventually? It can’t be easy.

When Dave doesn’t say anything in response, Klaus turns to him with a sad, bitter look in his eyes. “It’s selfish, but when am I not?”

“You’re not selfish, Klaus,” Dave insists almost immediately. He’s quick to come to the other man’s defense, even against himself, because it’s not the first self-deprecating comment he’s heard Klaus utter, and he’s certain that it won’t be the last.

“No?” Klaus asks, raising his voice just a little, enough for Dave to take notice, “What about all those times I stole shit from my father, from my _family_ to buy drugs?”

“That’s in the past,” Dave offers, though he knows it’s not all that simple.

“And the countless times I almost got my siblings killed because I was high, or lazy or simply not there?” Klaus counters.

Dave’s heart sinks just a little further at those words, because he knows that Klaus has been dwelling on _that_ for a while now. “Klaus…”

“Or maybe the time I stuck around in Vietnam because I was terrified of going home?” Klaus continues, and it’s as if he’s rattling off a list that he’s been keeping in his head, something that he’s been holding onto, “Because I knew my family couldn’t care less that I was kidnapped, and I met this _guy_ , and I wanted him all to myself?”

“He wanted you too,” Dave insists, voice thick. Now, he wants nothing more than to reach out and touch Klaus, but he _can’t_ because he’s not corporeal and he wouldn’t _dare_ ask Klaus to do that right now, in the state that he’s in. So instead, he puts all of his emotion into his words, hoping that something breaks through.

“And then I just fucking _ran_ after you died,” Klaus chokes out, “I left everyone else behind, because I couldn’t handle being there without you.”

Dave feels his heart sink. He and Klaus haven’t talked about this before. They’ve never discussed the day that he died, and this is the first that either of them have brought it up. _“Klaus -”_

“And conjuring you?” Klaus bites, ignoring Dave’s protest, “Keeping you here? I could have let you rest, but _no,_ I _had_ to see you again… I could have - with the briefcase back then, if I just would have stopped being so damn selfish -”

 _“Klaus, stop,”_ Dave interrupts, voice hard. Frustrated and forgetting himself, he reaches out to grab his lover’s hand, and is surprised when, rather than just passing through, he finds skin on skin contact. And _oh,_ that’s new. Dave didn’t realize that he was in a physical state right now, and judging by the surprised look on Klaus’ face, he wasn’t expecting it, either.

But, rather than talking about that, Dave insists, voice gentle, “You’re not selfish. You’ve _never_ been selfish with me. What brought this on? Why do you feel this way?”

Klaus laughs again, shaking his head. Thankfully, he doesn’t move to pull away from Dave’s touch, though. “I don’t know,” he utters, “I guess I’m just fucked in the head.”

“No, you’re not,” Dave insists. The way that Klaus talks about himself makes him want to be sick, and Dave wants nothing more than for the other man to see himself through his eyes. To see how remarkable and loving and strong he really is. “You’re dealing with a _lot_ right now, and nobody could be expected to handle it well, you just -”

“What are we _doing,_ Dave?” Klaus interrupts suddenly, cutting Dave off and catching him by surprise.

Dave pauses for a moment, mouth agape, brain trying to catch up with Klaus’ words. “What do you mean?” he asks.

“I mean, what is this?” Klaus asks in return, motioning between them with his cigarette, the smoke swirling in the empty space between their bodies. They’re close, their hands still touching, but in this moment, Dave has never felt further apart from Klaus.

“I - this is insane,” Klaus elaborates, voice taking on a more frantic tone as he speaks, “You’re dead, and I’m just _keeping_ you here. This is so fucked up, you should be able to move on - to… to -”

“Hey, _no,”_ Dave interrupts, reaching out with his free hand to cup Klaus’ face. It’s reminiscent of that moment in the disco, all those years ago, just before they shared their first kiss, only now, Dave feels his heart breaking, rather than soaring. “Don’t do this. Don’t try to shut me out. I’m not going _anywhere.”_

 _“Fuck,”_ Klaus bites, his voice thick, wet. And then, he’s crumpling, falling against Dave’s chest and curling in on himself, body suddenly wracked with sobs. He’s falling apart, and Dave is quick to wrap his arms around him in response, holding him as he’s done countless times in the past, like after Klaus witnessed the first close death of a friend in Vietnam, or when he’d wake from a particularly rough nightmare. Only now, Dave finally understands what those nightmares were about, and somehow, they were just as bad, if not worse than war.

Dave holds Klaus close, cherishing the fact that he _can_ hold him right now, when he needs it the most, his fingers trailing up and down his back.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Dave repeats after a few quiet minutes, after Klaus’ trembling subsides and he begins taking deep, shuddering breaths against him. “I’m not going anywhere, because I don’t want to. I want to be here with you, as long as you’ll have me. Alive or dead, it doesn’t matter, Klaus. I just want to be with you.”

Klaus pulls back at that, sitting up enough to look Dave in the eye, and _god,_ how does he manage to look so young and so old all at once? On one hand, he looks like a scared child and on the other, he’s got the look of an old man who has seen too much pain and suffering during his time on earth. “But -”

“But nothing,” Dave insists before Klaus can formulate an argument. “I need you to believe me when I say I love you. You need to believe that you’re worthy of being loved, okay? You’re not keeping me here against my will. I’m here because I want to be part of your life, even if _I’m_ not alive.”

When Klaus doesn’t say anything in response right away, Dave continues, because if he’s going to say it, he might as well get it all out right now. “If you wanted me to go, I’d go,” he finishes, “But as long as you want me here, then I’m here. _I’m not going anywhere.”_

“Don’t leave,” Klaus whispers at that, his voice nothing but a trembling gasp, “Please, don’t leave.”

And at that, Dave’s surging forward, capturing Klaus’ parted lips in a soft, tender kiss. It’s similar to their first - tentative and sweet and gentle - and it has Klaus sucking in a sharp breath through his nose, his hands shooting forward for purchase on Dave’s shirt, his arms, anything he can reach. In the back of his mind, Dave thinks of the cigarette, likely discarded somewhere on the bed, but he decides there are worse things than it burning a hole in Klaus’ already ratty bedding. Holding Klaus right now is more important.

When they part, Dave places his hands on either side of Klaus’ face, gentle yet firm. “Klaus, look at me,” he requests softly.

And, through thick, wet lashes, Klaus glances up at him, holding eye contact in a way that says he _never_ wants to look away again. It has Dave’s breath catching in his throat, his brain short-circuiting for a moment.

 _God,_ he’s beautiful.

“You’re the most selfless person I know,” Dave says, once his brain catches up again. “You’re trying to save the damn world, for heaven’s sake, even though you don’t have to. You could have left any time you wanted to, and you didn’t. You stayed to fight in a war you didn’t believe in, in a time that you didn’t belong, because you cared about your squad -”

“And you,” Klaus interjects, a smile pulling on his lips.

“Because you cared about _me,”_ Dave adds, smiling back at him “That’s not selfish. It’s anything _but._ You followed me to the front lines, when you didn’t have to. Now I’m here, not because I have to be, but because I _want_ to, and I’d follow you anywhere, okay?”

 _“Fuck,”_ Klaus bites, a laugh bubbling up in his throat. “Why are you so perfect?”

“I’m anything but,” Dave replies, to which Klaus rolls his eyes. And _there,_ that’s the man he knows and loves. “And you’re not perfect either. I don’t expect you to be. That’s what I _love_ about you, Klaus. That’s why I fell in love with you to begin with.”

“I love you,” Klaus whispers, _“Shit,_ I love you Dave, I love you so much, you don’t even know.”

Without thinking about it, Dave reaches forward in response, his hand finding the thin, silver chain that hangs around Klaus’ neck, and presses it gently to his bare chest. The dog tags clink together with the movement, and Dave murmurs, “I think I have an idea.”

It’s something they’ve never talked about, but Dave _needs to_ now. He needs Klaus to know that _it’s okay._ Whatever happened after his death, however Klaus reacted, it’s alright.

“See, I told you,” Klaus mutters, reaching down to touch the metal in a way that tells Dave he’s done it countless times before, _“Selfish.”_

Dave reaches down as well, his hand covering Klaus’ fist, the dog tags and all. “I would have kept yours too, if our roles were reversed,” he insists, “You’re not selfish, and even if you were, you’re allowed to be, when it comes to me.”

And _finally_ , Klaus’ lips twitch into a smile. He leans forward, pressing his head to Dave’s shoulder in a silent show of affection, and Dave leans into it. “God, you make it all sound so easy,” he mutters, but Dave can still hear the smile in his voice.

Dave turns, pressing a kiss to Klaus’ hair. “That’s because it is,” he replies gently.

“You really think that we can do this?” Klaus asks, once he sits up again, enough to look Dave in the eye.

“I think so,” Dave replies. Really, he’s not sure. He’s not sure of _anything,_ but he’s willing to put his money on Klaus and the rest of his family. He’d bet on Klaus every time.

“How can you be so sure?” Klaus pries.

Dave can’t help but chuckle. “Because,” he answers, “If I’ve learned anything since I met you, it’s that anything is possible.”

Then, Klaus is laughing too, shaking his head back and forth. “God, you’re such a sap,” he mutters, and _then_ , he’s reaching down, pulling Dave into another kiss.

And for a moment, time seems to stand still. It’s their own perfect moment in this weird, fucked up universe, and whatever happens after this doesn’t matter, because at least they have _this,_ right now. And _yeah,_ maybe Klaus _is_ a little selfish, but so is Dave, when it comes to him. Is that really so bad?

**Author's Note:**

> I loooooved writing the dialogue in this one! (And the little moments where Dave realizes just how in love with Klaus he is).
> 
> I proofread this really fast at like 3am, so if you see any typos, please let me know!
> 
> Also like I said, PLEASE share headcanons with me! I live to talk/daydream/write about these two.
> 
> (And feel free to pop by and say hi on [Tumblr](http://thefangirlingdead.tumblr.com))


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